Lessons learnt from being single at 35

So as I sit down outside in the garden drinking tea instead of wine on a too full tummy, I’ve been reflective on life, blame #quarantine #covid. I just like to think we all have our moments and I’m having mine. Especially since I am always been asked “How come a pretty girl like you single?”

My response is “I take breaks.” Don’t get me wrong, I have my moments when I really want someone. I am human.But then I digress, so let’s get to it-here are my lessons:

  1. It all starts with the Self- That is #self-love. Yes, there are all the self help materials that are useful. But I’ve really grasped that #self-love means how you talk to yourself, how consistent are you with yourself (like if I can’t be consistent with myself, how reasonable is it to demand someone be consistent with me?), the routines you have, your relationships with money, your relationships with others, ie: how you relate to others, and how you treat yourself.Get yourself down pat and soulmate will be on the way. You attract what you are. So I’m really working on me this year, Chillin,Heyyyyy *snaps fingers*. But in all seriousness sometimes you really need to do that;
  2. Listen to what a man tells you about himself – All those jokes he makes about himself and laughs or my favourite, “I’m just kidding” nah uh, he ain’t so if he says “I am lazy” or “People say I’m a ladies man” etc… Or better yet the comments he lets slips out by accident about himself. Believe him the first time.
  3. Actions speak louder than words- This is an oldie but goodie. I keep having to learn this lesson. I’ve learnt men are simple, watch what he does, not what he says. I recently dated briefly dated a guy I was so crazy over and still am . We are pretending to be “friends”, but I have mad feelings, and I’m sure he knows. We just get it each other.Anyways ,I digress.. point is this guy we will call him Mr.Banker, hey you, if you read this, was amazing with words and I used to think I’m not easily gullible by words. We would talk from 6 am till 2 in the night most days about anything and everything on WhatsApp mostly , the mind connection was mind blowing. Yes, we had a great physical connection, but I loved his mind as much as he loved mine. Point is, I could rarely get to see him but when I did it was amazing and in between he had all these words that to this day, I have yet to fully get him out of my system. Watch what he does, that will show you his character. Words are nothing.
  4. Never ignore red flags- Some red flags are not comprisable no matter how Adonis like he may look. My last ex boyfriend was a Spanish expat engineer working in #Jamaica and he had all the red flags I hated, multiple kids, traveled too much but guess what? I ignored all of them because of his out of this world Latino charm,good looks, personality, dance moves we went Latin dancing all the time, and I am a dancer, his words and overall charm, he definetly had a gift. A gift for sure in duping women hence the multiple kids and I could go on. Normally ,I would never have given him a chance but this time I let my guard down and paid for it . I got cheated on and stalked by a “um bashy woman”. I dumped him and promised myself never again to lower my standards. So for some red flags it’s best to RUN and don’t look back not oh let me give him a chance. That goes for you too Gentlemen. Save yourself.
  5. When he says his ex is crazy or puts down women- RUN. That is all. He made her crazy or has issues relating to his character.
  6. Never date a mama’s boy- A man who goes to mama for everything is a no no. No mama, me and you in bed , no,no no. No mama,me and you for decision making.
  7. Don’t be so available- I’ve learnt time is precious, when a man sees you being overly sweet and giving too much so early on , he doesn’t appreciate it and sees you as weak and knows he has power, hey just my experience. Especially ,guys who like to run circles around you. Be busy living your own life and keeping your hobbies too. Yes ,men need attention but not more than you need to give yourself your own attention and live your own life. Go to bed and get those zzs in rather than a confused head and tired body aka. low concentration. I used to stay up all night talking to previous flames and be a mess at work the next day.
  8. WhatsApp and Text- Just no okay? I’ve learnt texting is so impersonal even if it is the way of the world, it doesn’t build the genuine connection both parties need, you can text but it needs to be mixed with phone conversation.. I’ve learnt a guy who texts and texts but never or hardly calls is LAZY. It’s so easy to misconstrue things in a text and its not appropriate or useful for some situations, period. Have you ever gotten into an argument or tried to have a deep convo by text ? Those go south quickly. Call as well. I’m running from the next guy who texts too much cause I’ll be wondering why, another woman perhaps?
  9. Take breaks between relationships- I think women AND men just swing to the next person and I’ve been guilty of that . It’s not OK though. You need time to heal to process and to LEARN and grow. It’s only fair to yourself and future partner.
  10. The same lessons and the same character person will keeps appearing in different forms- What do I mean? Just that the same things will keep coming back to you. Until you LEARN what it is to teach you.LEARN.
  11. You can find love at any age- Society and love songs has people all depressed sometimes. Hell, my Spanish ex was in his fifties and still playing the field and finding love.
  12. Sometimes Love Ain’t Enough- Love is lovely, yes it is. It’s not enough though. You need Trust, Communication, Respect and Honesty. Without those, for me the biggest is trust, you have nothing. If I can’t trust you, why am I with you?
  13. Timing-It matters. People are split on this . I think it does. I thought Mr. Banker was the right guy for me, but he had so much going on (or so he claimed) plus exams that it was hard to find the time, I’m a lawyer so I’m busy but I’m working on that.
  14. Due Diligence-Ask questions and listen. I used to say I don’t need to know I’ll get to know him myself. People are just jealous and blah blah blah.Suffice to say, that hasn’t worked out well for me. It’s a bit pig headed to think a known player or serial dater will treat you differently, unless he has changed before he met you. That sometimes happens, rarely though. Save your heart some damage and LISTEN.
  15. A relationship is between two people- Unless its abuse or some aggravating severe circumstance like that, keep people out of the relationship. Always my mistake. Discuss whatever with the person your with whatever stage it’s at and whatever comes up, because if you have too much voices in your ear how can you process the issues properly? Why are you with them if you can’t talk to them? Btw not everyone means well. In fact some of them low-key want your partner. Careful with that y’all. I’ve stopped running to people.
  16. Manage your investment in a person- Manage that emotional bank with a person and just chill. If it’s not serious, don’t act like it is. Don’t build castles when he has given you no solid reason to . Try not to romanticise things. This goes for you too Gentlemen.
  17. CHILL- I keep learning this lesson. You don’t need to react to everything. Sometimes, you just need to observe. Observe. If you just started dating you don’t need to blast him by the end of week one, if you haven’t heard from him in a few hours, K?. But, make a mental note of his behaviour. That goes for you too gentlemen.
  18. In and out- If he keeps reappearing and disappearing , LOSE his number. Either he’s not ready, a player, or has somebody. Don’t fool yourself.
  19. Sex- Be upfront about this. It keeps things open for you and him. Don’t use it as my vag is a prize either, I mean it is, but that dangling mindset irritates men. Either you discuss when you are gonna mambo or if you prefer to be celibate or wait a while and why. You don’t need to run to the girls for an opinion on this , K? It’s one of those personal things between two people.
  20. Love is real-OH, yes it is. It is real and lovely and powerful. Addictive, mashes up your thinking skills. I’d still fall in love everytime again despite the heartbreak. I can’t wait for it to be with right person though.
  21. Communicate- You have to communicate. About everything and anything. Never ever ASSUME. Ego and lack of communication kills everything.
  22. Let Go- Know when to let go. Enough said. Easier said than done but my mantra is let go or be dragged.
  23. Keep Up Your Looks- For yourself and future partner. Why are you complaining about a pop down partner if you are pop down?It’s just self respect.
  24. TIME- We are all busy, be willing to give your time because love is priceless.
  25. Your GUT- Trust it. Mine goes to sleep sometimes but it usually wakes up that nagging you don’t know why you can’t shake this feeling feeling no matter what you do is your gut, it’s usually right and often manifests in different and many forms. Whichever form it comes in, trust it. For example, I used to get nauseous in the presence of my Spanish ex out of the blue and could never figure out why. I was meticulous with my birth control so I knew it wasn’t pregnancy. But the nausea got worst the longer our relationship lasted.That was my gut. Trust your GUT. It is powerful and never ever lies.
  26. BE OPEN- Because you never know. Walls imprison you and serves no purpose. Sometimes the love of your life may need that second chance
  27. VALUES- Make sure you are both on the same page mostly for this. Enough said.
  28. MONEY-Ah, money-o. Money helps, I won’t lie. I’m not frightened for it but I like when a man can hold his own and Gentlemen you should like when a woman can hold her own too. It makes the relationship comfortable. We need money to survive, let’s be real here. With that being said, ladies spoil your man but make sure you have your own money. I see too many women living with a man who have mixed up their money with his and now have no or little left, same for the men. Be generous, but hold your own.
  29. GOD first- Put God in the relationship. He is Love and will keep the relationship firm and strong.
  30. You are ENOUGH- You are handsome/pretty enough, you are good enough, you are enough company for yourself and I could go on. Being single/partnered/married does not not define you. You are a WHOLE person looking for a WHOLE other half.

With that said, I believe in LOVE and I know lots of wonderful gentlemen, my self awareness has taught me to know that you always need to assess yourself before you engage someone. Check that headspace.

So for this year, I had already planned on being single and then #quarantine and #covid19 has happened which makes it easier. Divine intervention? Haha, bad joke, yes. I am working on me. I am hopeful for future relationships though when this is all over:)

How about you what are the lessons you have learn’t about Love?

Sings “Love comes to those who believe in it and that’s the way it is “.

Indeed.

Till next time. xx-DD

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